Hey, I didn't ask for OCD. I really didn't. But it's here. There wasn't anything I could do to prevent it from coming, was there? I can stop it from coming back, though. And that's good. I just have to remember that I'm the one in control, and I have to remember how to stay in control. I mean, get a grip, amirite?
Well, I still NEED TO GET SOME MEDICATTIONNNS. I'm okay, really. I mean, I'm handling it. The thing that's hard is having to keep going like I'm fine, I kind of want to be able to tell someone: "hold on, I'm having a moment", take a pause and catch my breath and then finish whatever I was doing. Because I'm not fine, I'm really not okay. Things aren't going so great, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm obsessive compulsive and all I want is to go back to normal. Wherever that was. I want to go home. Wherever that is.
A home has not been a home for a year, I've been terrified of home. I'm rewriting my life, I'm starting over. I have to be okay with that even if I myself am not okay. I just want things to go back to normal. Seriously, I'm no hero. I may be an adventurer on World of Warcraft, but that's as far as my exploits go. I don't want to fight, but I will. I will fight, I'll fight hard. I have something to fight for. I love this world, I love it so much. I love my sanity, I love my mom and my sister even though she's easy to hate. I love music, I love Joy Division, and Bauhaus, and I love Nightwish, too. I love singing, and I love acting. I love looking at the stars at night, I love microwaving water to make tea. I love wearing jewelry even though I'm allergic to metal. I love the smell of the pages of my favorite books, I love the first and second Harry Potter movies but I hate the rest. I love candles, even though I don't like matches. I love life. And all I want is my life back. That's it. Even if I don't move to the house in the woods that I want so bad, at least I'm living like a sane person, at least the shadow hanging over me is gone. At least I don't have to feed the monster in fear.
Hey, I didn't ask for this, but hey, I can deal with it. I will fight.
And now, an inspirational ooshy-gooshy quote:
“…learning to fight for yourself, don't just defend yourself. Fight for yourself. And when you do it, fight like a girl. Girls fight when they have something to protect. Whether it's their bodies, their children, whatever. When they really fight, they fight to the death.
So if you really wanna fight hardcore, fight like a girl. That’s the message”
--Emilie Autumn
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